Fiction

June

Heartfelt Apologies

Samantha Viles

I saw my father from a distance. He was in the shade of a nearby tree. I got out of the car, grabbing the roses I had bought off the front passenger seat. I closed the door and walked to where my dad was.

“What a beautiful it’s turned out to be. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” I said kicking a clump of grass with my shoe. “Look I brought flowers though.”

I held the bouquet of roses forward to show the beautiful array of colors. I laid them down next to my dad and sat down.

Silence filled the time.

“Ok, well here goes. I know it’s been a while. I felt sort of bad for the way things ended. I’m better with my words when I write them down so I have a letter I’d like to read to you if you’ll allow it,” I said pulling a note from my pocket.

I looked to my dad for a sign he was unwilling to listen. There wasn’t any sign he didn’t plan on listening.

I cleared my throat nervously.

“‘Dear Dad,

The most important thing I want to say upfront is that I love you very much. I don’t think I ever told you enough before. I’m hoping now isn’t too late to make a difference.

It took me a long time but I think I finally understand how you felt for so long. To have a family that is absentee. You know they are there but you still feel alone.

If I could turn back time I certainly would. I hope that you are like me and that you remember the good times more than you do the bad. I remember many a fishing trip and the fun that we had. I know the others do too.

There are so many happy times I remember. I know that things weren’t always happy at home. For that I am sorry. I’ve seen the darkness you lived with. I know now the struggles that you have faced. I wish I hadn’t been so stupid when I was younger and yes I think it was stupidity.

I remember now all of the times I missed the chance to talk to you or to tell you that I love you. I want to make that up to you now. I want to know that you forgive me. I can’t forgive myself for how things ended the last time I saw you.

I want to go back to better days when we had time to watch baseball, you taught us how to do butterfly kisses, and took us to so many different fishing spots. My life without you has been empty. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes.

If you’re reading this I hope that you are smiling. I don’t want you to be sad. I just want to know that you know how much I love you. There’s nothing I would like more than to get a big hug and have you tell me that you love me. I know that may not be a possibility but it’s certainly nice to dream.

I look forward to talking to you again soon.

Your loving daughter,

Samantha’”

I folded the paper up and tucked it under the roses I had set in front of my father. The silence was deafening.

I brushed a tear from my cheek.

“I didn’t expect to have time turn back and everything go back to the way it is. I kind of hoped that you might acknowledge what I’ve said somehow. In fact, I wanted to ask your help,” I said with tears streaming down both cheeks. “I’m sorry that I’m just rambling on. I know now the kind of darkness that you battled for so long. I have the depression too. My heart has been so heavy with the sadness that I lost your love.”

The wind blew through the trees and the small wind chime in the tree jangled a delicate song.

I wiped another tear.

“You know that when a bell rings that an angels just gotten their wings right.”

My tears stopped and I stood up and brushed off any dirt I might have on me.

“I understand you not being ready to forgive me yet. I’ll go now. I do want you to know I’m glad I took the time to stop and see you today. I’ll try to do it again soon.”

I turned and started to walk back to the car. The day hadn’t gone quite the way I hoped. I looked up as I got closer to the car. I stopped in my tracks. My entire car was covered with every kind of butterfly imaginable. I looked back at my dad and then back at the car.

I knew then this was my sign. He had heard every word I said. At that moment, the butterflies all took off. It was such a beautiful site that I was speechless for a moment. I could hear the flutter of the butterfly wings as the curtain of color flew from my car.

I felt a huge weight lifted from me at that moment. I opened my car door but stopped to blow my dad a kiss first.

My cell phone rang just then. It was my brother.

“I’m on my way. I just had to make a stop first. I’ll see you soon.”

I flipped my phone shut and started the car. Before I pulled out and back onto the road I looked in the rearview mirror to see my father’s headstone covered with the same beautiful butterflies.

“I love you too daddy,” I whispered as I drove out of sight.