Fiction

I didn't know what I was going to do with these expensive jeans. I didn't think it was a way to get through my teens. A friend got them for me and I wore them as to not hurt their feelings. They were very dedicated to dressing me up and getting women to notice me. I did appreciate it but I was not looking for anyone. I didn't want to get attention. My friend was under the impression that I was lonely because they heard I sat in my room alone most of the day. I got out on my days off. I only had two days off or so but I got out. I just went out alone on my days off to places like the mall and bookstore. However, I was not lonely. I was only alone but there was a difference between being alone and being lonely. I never had the heart to tell them until recently. They just had put so much effort. They spent about one hundred dollars on clothes for me one time and took me out to the bars and clubs. They told me how to walk, where to walk and how to carry myself etc. I hated it. I couldn't stand it. I just didn't know how to tell them because they seemed to be having so much fun and were doing it because they really cared about me. What was I to do I thought? I liked just wearing black t shirts and blue jeans. I liked cheap, black sneakers and black socks. It was all I needed. They were lonely. They were very lonely and I felt sorry for them. I know it was wrong to pity someone and I tried to help it. It was hard. They seemed desperate at times. Their loved one was overseas and they had a hard time handling it. I stayed with them for that reason. I was wanting to provide them with company but they kept taking it too far. I was not a science project. I understood and respected their motives. I was Roland and not Don Juan. I didn't want to be Don Juan. I liked being Roland and it took hanging with this friend of mine to make me realize how happy and satisfied I was with my life. I never even thought about it until this friend came along. They meant well don't get me wrong and I know I was way too harsh in the end. I feel about it to this day. I just had to maintain my identity. I had to fight for my soul once and for all. I was not hurting anyone or society in general being just who I was. I just read, wrote, watched sitcoms and hung out at the bookstores. I went to the mall on my days off and the bookstore. It was not hurting anyone and I saw no need to make any changes in terms of my appearance and habits. I didn't do anything at the expense of someone else. I did my best not to. It was hard for me to tell this to my friend. It was not just my friend but in general. There were people in my life always trying to 'fix me' or dress me up. I didn't want it or need it. I was confident I would meet the woman of my dreams one day. I didn't have to look for her and we all know you don't look. You just bump into the person you love. You never find them when you look. I didn't care if I was alone and single. It didn't matter to me. I was happy. I couldn't think of a time when I was more happy except when my best friend from who was 2,000 miles away was still living in the same town as me. It was just hard to tell this to my friend and I put it off for the longest time. I held it in. I just waited or hoped it would end. It never did. I may have lost it one night. I don't know but I finally told them how I felt. We were in front of their house. I was truly out of character and I never forgot how I was. I kept in memory along with all the other times I was not myself and to this day never acted that way again. There was no need for it. I started pacing around and I just exploded they could say.

"I am Roland. This is me. The man who likes wearing black t shirts, black sneakers, black socks and jeans all at a cheap price. I don't know what it is but there were just so many people trying to fix me or change me. I have had enough. I have had enough. You take me as I am or leave me. I am not doing anything that is hurting anyone or anything or society. I don't do things at the expense of anyone. Please. I am Roland. I am sorry. I just want it all to stop." I was yelling. I stopped. My friend had been smiling a little bit at first but then was serious. They were quiet the whole time and then they walked over to their driveway. I knew I had done something wrong. I didn't yell at them directly or even indirectly. I think I was raging against materialism and maybe they got in the way. I felt bad because I know they were one of the ones I was referring to but it was not just them. It had been everyone who in good faith and coming from the heart had attempted to fix me and dress me up. The ones who wanted me to have someone who would make me happy and I honored that. It is just I was fine. I liked who I am and who I was and how I dressed and how I did things except that night and so many other times but I did my best to be a good person and to me that is what counted. It was the only thing that counted. I slowly went up to my friend. They were sitting up against their garage. I felt bad. I didn't have to yell at them. I just should have explained it quietly and nicely. I had no excuses. I just waited too long to say anything not only to this friend but to everyone.

"I am sorry…."

"I only did it to help you…"

"I know…."

"You could have told me…"

"I am sorry…"

"Why didn't you just tell me? It would have been okay."

"I didn't know how. You were having so much fun."

"I didn't mean to make you do anything…"

"You didn't…it is my fault….I never said anything…I waited too long…I am sorry…I made a mistake…a huge one…"

"It is okay. I am just glad you told me….just please…don't yell at me again…that hurt…I really hate it when people do that…I never would have expected it from you.."

"I am so sorry…I know…I promise I won't do it again…"

"It is all right….thank you….and thank you for telling me…look if you are happy with yourself….that is all that matters to me.."

"Thank you for that…."

"You're welcome….listen…I better get to bed..I have to be up in the morning for school.."

"Sure."

"Good night.."

"Good night..I am sorry.."

"It is okay…good night."

They went inside and I headed to my car. It would take awhile for me to live with the guilt and shame I felt inside. They didn't deserve that and I knew it. I just need to make sure I am open with everyone from now on and let them know how I am feeling. They didn't know and they would have let me be if I had told them I was good with myself. They could not have known. They were so lonely. They had a hard time understanding how someone else who didn't have anyone could not be lonely. I was fine being alone and I was not lonely. I didn't need anyone and it was just hard for them to understand that or concieve of it. They did though. They always had I just needed to let them know I was fine. It was something to remember next time.

*From the song "Don't Think Twice, It's All Right" by Bob Dylan from his album The Freewheeling Bob Dylan